By the end of 2022, COVID left us with many realisations. For me, one of them was that being around my family might have contributed to my low scores. At the time, I convinced myself I needed a change of environment, and that going to Kota would give me the discipline and focus to ace my next NEET paper.
And then, just like that, I packed my bags, counted my blessings, and left town.
I was leaving behind the warmth of Jamshedpur for the crowded streets and relentless rhythm of Kota. From the moment I reached Kota, it felt like the place where I had come to chase a dream.
The loneliness behind the competition
On my first day of coaching, I felt lonely in a room full of students. It was a weird experience: lots of “Hi’s” and “Hello’s” being shared, but hardly any trust behind them. It was probably because the founder's speech, where he made us realise we were all competing against each other, was ringing in our ears. That day, my unathletic body felt what athletes feel before the whistle; the intensity of competition got to me, and everyone suddenly had more reasons to push harder.
Classes started, routines formed, and I found myself busier than usual, enjoying the competition for seats in the prestigious medical college. What I did not expect, however, was how quickly I got accustomed to the tasteless mess of food and the lack of companions to spend my evenings with. After only the first month, however, food, friends, and family—the elements my life revolved around in my hometown—were nowhere to be found. The further I drifted from my hobbies and favourites, the lonelier I felt. Becoming more invested in studies was the logical option. Things took off as I grew more consistent; I got good ranks in tests, made a couple of great friends, and, with my scores as a safety net, I finally began enjoying Kota. I was no longer missing home as much.
When someone else’s pain becomes real
Life was so happening that I had lost empathy for the ones around me. This one time, I was returning to the hostel with my friends after a periodic test. When our friend Nilu told us that he was “not feeling well” because of his low marks and he was considering therapy, we laughed it off and told him to watch David Goggins instead and study harder. At the time, we couldn't understand the disappointment on his face, but if only we did, I would have definitely preserved our friendship.
On another Sunday, I was walking back from coaching when I noticed a huge crowd in front of our hostel; even more shocking was the media presence. With my mind racing, I approached the area and left traumatised as I saw a fellow ALLEN student lying cold in the open. All my life, I had known these things happened in Kota but always blamed the victim for being weak-hearted for taking such an extreme step; seeing it firsthand humbled me. The thought of being in the same environment as the kid who lay motionless before me made me value my life more. My mother heard the news and called me in a panicky tone; I was calming her, but my mind was occupied by the thoughts of the victim’s mother.
And that changed something in me.
When pressure takes a toll on the body
I took my studies more seriously and became determined to “escape Kota” and crack competitive exams as soon as I could, but life had other plans. With the crucial stages of the exams coming up, I contracted chickenpox and had to leave Kota for a month. When I returned to Kota, my room and all the books were as I left them, but my spirits had kindled.
Having missed classes for a month, I had tremendous backlogs, and they put pressure on me that I wasn't ready for. My body’s first response to this pressure came in the form of anxiety, and in return my response was to start smoking because some guys from the hostel recommended it to “relieve stress”. No one was a doctor then, and I shouldn't have taken their suggestion, but in my defence, it helped me get back to my studies and gave me momentary relief.
This was around the time my test marks also dropped significantly, and I doubted myself more than ever. I kept trying, but my body could not keep up and responded again; this time, I had IBS. Anytime I got stressed, I needed a toilet nearby. I am grateful to have found incredible support from my parents, who never gave up on me nor pressured me. Without them, I couldn’t have left Kota with my head held high.
I couldn't keep up with the pace of regular classes and dropped out of coaching; it only added to my troubles as I put more pressure on myself to finish the syllabus fast, but my body wasn't cooperating, and voilà! More stress. This triangle between my studies and my physical and mental health left me wondering which one to improve first, so I read books, listened to podcasts, and even saw professionals to ask whether I could ever reach a clear balance between the three. Growing up watching your father grind six days a week for 10 hours every day in a steel factory takes away your ability to take breaks until you prove yourself to him. That was Kota's biggest challenge for me: finding a way to balance everything and do it in time. In my case, time ran out before I could find a solution. I left Kota with broken dreams.
Life after Kota: Learning to find balance
It's been three years since I left Kota. I may not have become a doctor, but everything it taught me about myself still matters. I still strive to balance my mental health, physical health, and career. To witness my mental health grow over the years since Kota has been an incredible journey. The year after COVID, Kota claimed a record 26 lives; I wish they could have survived to see what lay ahead in their journey after Kota.
Sourav Tripathy is Life Sciences student with an interest in mental health, human biology, and the science behind human behaviour.