I have spent years telling my children that they are allowed to say No.

No, you don’t hug someone if you don't want to.

No, you don't have to share every little thing just because someone asks.

No, you don't have to sit quietly while another child is unkind to you.

And no, being polite doesn't mean letting someone cross a line.

I thought I was teaching them something important.

Boundaries.

The word has become almost fashionable in parenting conversations today. We talk about emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, digital boundaries, personal space and consent. We tell our children to speak up, to recognise uncomfortable situations and to walk away from people who make them feel small.

As a mother, I have tried to do exactly that.

But sometimes, watching my children navigate the world, I wonder if I have got the balance right.

Because children don't grow up in therapy rooms and parenting books. They grow up in classrooms, birthday parties, WhatsApp groups, playgrounds and family gatherings. They have to learn how to say no—but are we preparing them for the consequences?

Are we teaching them to stand their ground and be prepared to let something go in response? Are we teaching them it's OK to be alone after saying no?

We are raising children in a time when we are more conscious of bullying, inappropriate behaviour, peer pressure, and emotional manipulation. We want our children to have a voice. We don't want them to become people-pleasers.

But the problem is, no matter how hard you try to go by the book, you can't always say the right sentences at the right time. No matter how empowered and righteous you sound, it takes more than that.

Do we practice what we preach? Or do we practice it enough?

When my children were very young, a wise person once told me, if you have to teach children anything, don’t be their teacher; be their role model.

They won’t learn from what you tell them to do; they will learn from seeing you do it yourself.

So if you don’t want them to lie, you can’t lie in front of them, not even a casual lie like: “Tell them I am not home,” or lie to your boss about being unwell to take a day off.

The question is, do we practice what we preach? Or do we practice it enough?

Do we really set boundaries ourselves? Are our boundaries firm or rigid? Or are they so flexible that people can cross them however without fearing anything in return?

Are we really teaching our children how to protect themselves, while also making sure they do it without becoming so guarded that they stop letting people in?

And that is the difficult part of parenting today.

Learn to negotiate and learn to walk away

Teaching a child to protect themselves and to function in society lies in a complicated space.

What happens when another child takes their toy?

Do they negotiate or walk away?

What happens when a friend says something they don't like?

Do they tell them, “That is not okay,” or do they try to understand that friends sometimes say thoughtless things? But at the same time, how do we make sure "sometimes" doesn’t become "every time"?

What happens when an adult asks them to do something they don't particularly want to do?

Do they understand the difference between an uncomfortable request and an unsafe one?

These are not easy lessons.

And I have realised that boundaries are only one part of social maturity.

Children also need empathy.

They need flexibility.

They need to learn that not every disagreement is disrespect, not every disappointment is a violation, and not every uncomfortable feeling means someone has crossed a boundary.

Sometimes you have to share.

Sometimes you have to wait.

Sometimes you have to listen to an opinion you don't agree with; sometimes you also have to apologize.

Sometimes you have to sit beside someone different from you and figure out how to get along.

And sometimes, despite everything we teach them, someone will hurt their feelings.

No matter how much we wish, we cannot build a childhood in which our children will never experience discomfort.

Our job is to give them the tools to understand it.

We, as millennial and Gen X parents, were taught the opposite lesson. We were just supposed to be `good children. Society expected us to greet adults properly, listen when spoken to, share without being asked twice, and rarely question authority.

We were taught not to make a fuss.

But that came at a cost, too.

Some of us became adults who found it difficult to say no. We confused being nice with being available. We stayed quiet when we should have spoken. We tolerated things simply because we didn't want to be considered rude. Maybe we still do.

I don't want that for my children.

But at the same time, I don’t want them to believe that the world will constantly adjust itself around their feelings.

So I keep trying to find a middle ground.

I tell them: You can say no. Don’t say it after piling up too many yeses in life.

I tell them: You don't have to be friends with everyone. But you still have to be kind.

I tell them: You can walk away from someone who is hurting you. But don't walk away from every difficult conversation.

And perhaps most importantly: Your boundaries matter. So do other people's.

I don't know whether I am getting it right.

Parenting rarely gives us that certainty.

Some days, I watch my children confidently speak up and feel proud that they know their worth.

And other days, I wonder whether I have made them too conscious of protecting themselves that they won’t let anyone in.

So what do we teach our children?

Maybe teach them to fit in, but also teach them to stand apart and do both

things while not losing themselves.